Harder than I thought...

This morning was Carter's evaluation for school. We were in a small room with 3 therapists, a nurse, and psychiatrist. I didn't expect to be as uneasy and sad watching this happen, especially since I already expected it to be like this. But to see a new team of faces gathered around my child with questioning eyes and attempts to get appropriate responses to simple commands and getting struggles in return, was heartbreaking. I watched in anguish as he bit his hands so hard that he left marks and he poked his eyes every chance he got. I clutched my coffee in my hands trying to find some small morsel of comfort in it's warmth and familiarity. Trying to answer the numerous questions that I have been asked so many times before was different this time. I tried to answer the questions as best I could in hopes that I didn't sound unprepared or inadequate. I'm sure I was overly worried, but as a mom to a special needs child, that feeling of inadequacy is common...as common as putting on accessories for a special occasion and hoping it will match and not clash in the most obnoxious way. I hoped that all of my observations and motherly instincts over the last 3 years were enough for my child to start school with some sort of base to stand on. I don't have the reassurance that my child can recite the alphabet or count to some substantial number that will impress his teachers. I do not have the satisfaction that I taught him the correct colors and manners. I have to hope that my suggestions will carry across clearly to the people who will care for him. I have to hope that Carter will warm up to his new surroundings enough to attend to small tasks or therapies. I don't get to tour schools and choose for myself which one I want him to go to. My list of to-do's to prepare him for his first day consist of calling specialists to ask if they will draw up a G-tube care plan and seizure protocol. I have to get medication permission from the pediatrician so the school can administer his afternoon medicine. I have to get a medical explanation that states in detail why Carter doesn't have up-to-date vaccines.
So as I sat there and watched my son being assessed, I grasped onto every ounce of my strength I could and tried to push back my tears. It was when all of the therapists and nurse left and the school representative asked me if I was okay and whether it was overwhelming to have so many people asking questions and assessing Carter, that I broke into tears and said with all honesty, "yes, it was very hard and scary...It's very hard to send my baby to school". She gave me the most understanding look and told me that I was a great mother. It was that moment with the best words I could have heard that peace found it's way to my heart. Now it's off to contact doctors and start gathering all the information they need.