For the most part, I don't allow myself to dwell on the "what if's" anymore. But I can't deny the fact that I still wonder sometimes. I do my best to focus on each moment as it comes, instead of crying over the past and possibilities for the future. The only times I really loose my breath and feel overwhelmed is when we see a new specialist or someone wants to know about Carter's journey. It's those times, that I list off all the reasons we had suspicions something was wrong, all the surgeries and medications and all the tests. It's then that I realize "wow, we have been through so much". It's those moments that I allow the drained feelings to come pouring out. It's then that perspectives adjust and the sadness for what are not, surface to my skin and I feel old.
But despite those moments, there are things that happen in my daily life that remind me of why my world is perfect. It's when my son cries in the morning as he wakes up and daddy or mommy come into his room to get him and his face lights up, that I remember I am strong enough to do this. It's when I pick him up and he wraps his arms around my neck and lays his head on my shoulder, that he is telling me he loves me. It's the laughter that fills the whole room when daddy starts to sing. Its the excited toothy grin across his face when we get in the van for a ride and he rocks to the beat of the music playing. My all-time favorite special moments that we share are when he reaches for my face and touches me...just a simple touch that fills my heart with all the healing and happiness that it needs to get through this. My son is undeniably different from a typical developing 2 1/2 year old, but this little boy knows love. He is the most special little boy and I couldn't have asked for any child more perfect! <3
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